The one thing you need to get rid of right now to become happier, more successful and more attractive

The one thing you need to get rid of right now to become happier, more successful and more attractive

Gorgeous celebrities swear by getting rid of this one thing. It’s the one thing holding you back from your true potential and the Kardashians, only mentioned here so we can stick in a sexy picture, may have never had this one thing in the first place. But wait, it doesn’t...

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It’s Time to Talk about Stupid

It’s Time to Talk about Stupid

Last week a friend showed me a phone message from his daughter. He asked me, “What does ‘idk’ mean?” “I don’t know,” I said. He looked at me with despair, “Oh my God, no one does.” True story. And I assure you it absolutely wasn’t me who was the actualidiot...

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Good Grief

Good Grief

So, cautiously, you emerge from a London lockdown, or maybe a Durham one, blinking at the sun, and the first question is: who’s in line for all the cash you’ve saved not going out for two months? A hairdresser for sure, a bartender would be good, maybe a physiotherapist after...

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Love in a Time of Coronavirus

Love in a Time of Coronavirus

One of the upsides of social distancing is that it seems to have cured my halitosis and body odour. No one’s mentioned either for weeks. And since I murdered my entire family after day two of the lockdown, nobody’s making veiled comments at home. Though their body odours are starting...

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Apocalypse Now

Apocalypse Now

  Good news! If you’re reading this, the world hasn’t ended. Yet. But it certainly feels like it might at any moment. Australia’s on fire, this country’s flooding, New Zealand’s erupting, The West Indies are quaking, locusts plague East Africa, land- slides in Myanmar, Ciara, Dennis and Jorge etc. batter...

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Memeing of Life: Apocalypse now

Memeing of Life: Apocalypse now

Good news! If you’re reading this, the world hasn’t ended. Yet. But it certainly feels like it might at any moment. Australia’s on fire, this country’s flooding, New Zealand’s erupting, The West Indies are quaking, locusts plague East Africa, land-slides in Myanmar, Ciara, Dennis and Jorge etc. batter Europe, corona-pestilence spreads...

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Distraction

Distraction

With all the politics we’re now constantly bombarded with, a week is “a long time” for all of us. Even my diary, after Monday and Tuesday, says W T F! You’ll be pleased to know that no funny bones were broken in the making of that joke. Also, whilst coming...

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Cash for Chaos

Cash for Chaos

Psst. Wanna make some money? Sweet dough? Moolah? Now’s the time. Don’t tell no one else, yer know, keep it on the downlow ‘cos this is just for us, the elite like. I’ll give yer the name of a horse that’s guaranteed to lose. Bet against her and you’ll make...

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Virtue Signalling

Virtue Signalling

In my twenties I lived on a boat. For 18 hours a day it floated on the river at Hammersmith, a stone’s throw from the bridge. The rest of the time, when the tide was out, it rested on the shore, on mud and some old car tyres I’d drilled...

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Work: and why you have to hate it

Work: and why you have to hate it

Capitalism isn’t working…… it’s getting other people to do it for you. As global economic inequality grows, there’s a feeling Capitalism is facing an end of days. But what might replace it is less a battle of ideas than a desert of anxiety. Viable alternatives are thinner on the ground...

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