Vacillate or Vaccinate?

Vacillate or Vaccinate?

I had to do something. After a year of war-like rhetoric, waged against an invisible enemy, Covid had killed one in every 200 people over the age of 50. In late December, there was at last a call to arms. All citizens were expected to take, at least, a couple...

Read more
On Reflection

On Reflection

Some things are just really hard to love, even though you’re supposed to. Most turn up at Christmas. Racist relatives, scented soaps, the Queen’s speech, Brussels sprouts. And then, especially in January, the hardest thing to love is your reflection. I f we were happy narcissists, in love with our...

Read more
Huggin’ Joe

Huggin’ Joe

From the early 19th Century to the end of the 20th, the sure-fire way to make Britons feel awkward was to embrace them. Much hilarity was had by Europeans feeling us assume a living rigor mortis the moment they put their arms around us. Like headlamp-hypnotised rabbits we would freeze...

Read more
The one thing you need to get rid of right now to become happier, more successful and more attractive

The one thing you need to get rid of right now to become happier, more successful and more attractive

Gorgeous celebrities swear by getting rid of this one thing. It’s the one thing holding you back from your true potential and the Kardashians, only mentioned here so we can stick in a sexy picture, may have never had this one thing in the first place. But wait, it doesn’t...

Read more
It’s Time to Talk about Stupid

It’s Time to Talk about Stupid

Last week a friend showed me a phone message from his daughter. He asked me, “What does ‘idk’ mean?” “I don’t know,” I said. He looked at me with despair, “Oh my God, no one does.” True story. And I assure you it absolutely wasn’t me who was the actualidiot...

Read more
Good Grief

Good Grief

So, cautiously, you emerge from a London lockdown, or maybe a Durham one, blinking at the sun, and the first question is: who’s in line for all the cash you’ve saved not going out for two months? A hairdresser for sure, a bartender would be good, maybe a physiotherapist after...

Read more
Love in a Time of Coronavirus

Love in a Time of Coronavirus

One of the upsides of social distancing is that it seems to have cured my halitosis and body odour. No one’s mentioned either for weeks. And since I murdered my entire family after day two of the lockdown, nobody’s making veiled comments at home. Though their body odours are starting...

Read more
Apocalypse Now

Apocalypse Now

  Good news! If you’re reading this, the world hasn’t ended. Yet. But it certainly feels like it might at any moment. Australia’s on fire, this country’s flooding, New Zealand’s erupting, The West Indies are quaking, locusts plague East Africa, land- slides in Myanmar, Ciara, Dennis and Jorge etc. batter...

Read more
Memeing of Life: Apocalypse now

Memeing of Life: Apocalypse now

Good news! If you’re reading this, the world hasn’t ended. Yet. But it certainly feels like it might at any moment. Australia’s on fire, this country’s flooding, New Zealand’s erupting, The West Indies are quaking, locusts plague East Africa, land-slides in Myanmar, Ciara, Dennis and Jorge etc. batter Europe, corona-pestilence spreads...

Read more